A dream of birds…

Last nights dream: I only remember a bit of it. Birds. I am collecting bird wings. Some whole, some just collections of attached feathers. And live birds too. I

They all come in packaging, like new dolls, but I don’t realise this till later. Some of the birds fly away, and they take some of the wings with them, fly away with the wings in their beaks. I’m a bit perturbed, I don’t mind the birds flying away but – why take the wings? Somehow it feels that they were instrumental in collecting them in the first place. Then a wing drops in my lap. I look up, it’s from a bird I had collected, still in a box, like a doll maybe like a Bratz doll connected to the packaging with clear cable ties. It had really struggled to fly, as it was still in its box, especially to retrieve the wing for me. Personally. It did it out of love for me. I cut it loose from its box, amazed that it had achieved such a feat – it had feathers missing and was a bit bedraggled from the effort. For me. I was worried it would fly loose as it was a small bird and I knew that if it got loose, it would die out in the big wide world of predators. So I imagined how I could put a collar on it to keep it close to me so I could look after it. But then I thought – wouldn’t it choose to stay close without the need for a collar as it had enough agency to choose to get the wing back for me out of devotion, would it not choose to stay in my embrace? It was a little bird, maybe yellow, small red beak I think, plain, but I loved it so much – I hugged it and displayed such love for it. In recognition and reciprocation for its devotion to me.

Termites and the clearing out of things

Dreaming about termites eating my house, insidiously devouring it from the inside, out. Dreaming about abandonment, hollow feelings. A clear sign of energetic blockage, spoken from my internal unknown. Subconscious voices wanting to become known. Time to get that stuff cleared out! So. The process begins in the world channel, I clear out the mess under my house, so that it’s clear of opportunities for termites to sneak in. Wood, old paint, dress-ups, weaving fibre, camping gear and building materials. I find some termite damage in a bearer, termites have already disappeared. Mmmm not good. Where have they gone? With all the clearing out, the termite guy will be able to come in and address the issue. I clean out the composting toilet – time for my ‘shit’ to compost and transform into nourishment for the soil, for plants to grow in. All the while this is going on, another thing. The divorce is finally making progress. Clearing is happening, it feels so interconnected. A microcosmic weave.

Psychotherapy sessions

I offer my skills as a therapist in service to working with fellow humans towards uncovering an ever-greater sense of wholeness and embodied aliveness. In a space of empathy and love, underpinned by a deeply spiritual yet grounded worldview in tune with eastern and shamanic approaches to life, we will journey together to explore what your soul or higher self is trying to make known to you. In true process-work style we will tease out a path of communication with your dreams, body symptoms, unconscious patterns and unique life experiences, unfolding the layers of deep wisdom ever-present in your depths, to encourage new, life-supporting perspectives to emerge.

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My Bayini story

November 2020

Bayini. According to stories I have been told by Yolngu from North East Arnhem Land, Bayini is a Yirritja moiety spirit-being (some call her a ghost), who walks the landscape in and around Yalangbara, Port Bradshaw. Dhulmumiya (Spring Camp), is one of these places, its located across the bay from Yalangbara and Bawaka, near Dhanaya outstation.

Bayini has golden white skin, and has long, long hair, and a reputation for stealing the shiny metal jewellery of the living people she encounters. She is also known to be jealous of women and wants to steal the young men to take as husbands. Bayini is benevolent, however, as she looks after the land with deep love.

The story goes that she was a Macassan woman who got thrown overboard the ship she was on. Other stories, in anthropological accounts, speak of her as a light-skinned woman who arrived in Port Bradshaw by canoe and got marooned as her anchor got caught under a rock and claimed by the sand. I haven’t heard if or how she perished, but I can imagine, with all the crocodiles and sharks in the waters here, what might have happened. Or not.

Other tales in Arnhem Land speak of the Bayini (or Baijini) as a people, families of light-skinned seafarers that pre-date the Macassans. Some speak of them as whalers (totem hunters) and dugong fishermen and others suggest that they are also trepang catchers like the later Sulawesi-based Macassan fishermen (groups consisting mainly of men), or they could be families of sea-gypsies from China or Singapore. It is said that the Bayini people were of a different mindset to the trepang industry-based Macassan traders, much more inclusive and aligned with the cosmology and way of being of the Yolngu people, and danced alongside them on the beaches. Many Yolngu ceremonies included the stories of the Bayini, holding a deep message of what has been termed “Bayini for Bayini and Yolngu for Yolngu”. This symbolised a way of walking where the individual identity of each group was held intact but both existed in a space of mutuality. Dancing the story of the Bayini was seen a reminder of sovereignty, where the Yolgnu belong to the land – always have, and always will – and the story of the Bayini was imprinted by ceremony into the the living cultural landscape.

As a central mythical figure, or ancestor in this area, Bayini is symbolised by the anchor and chain – as you can see on the clan flags in my videos and pictures of the funeral space for Old Man Emu. The anchor and the chain is also very evident in some of the bunggul ceremonial dances and songs, or manikay, and I have been told they are related to “Bayini”, though I’m not quite sure exactly what they refer to; Bayini the woman, or Bayini the people.

At the funeral, the paternal grandsons slept in the bower shed with the body of old man emu, as it rested in the freezer box under his special yellow-and-blue-painted coffin. At night, they made sure that all crevices, like the horizontal space under the door after it had been shut, would be covered up, by pushing sand up against the door and sealing the opening. Why? you might ask. Well they were afraid that Bayini would come and get them at night. And steal their jewellery.

It has turned out that Bayini is a strong figure for me, as I engage wholeheartedly in the incredible experience of Yolngu culture. I guess I am a woman with golden white skin, and long, long hair, after all! So, it’s no surprise that I have a story with Bayini. Perhaps it’s part of why I am here, on this earth. I do have a very strong way of engaging with larger-than-life myths. So. Here’s my story, and I’m sure its only the beginning of a bigger story that will still reveal itself over time and immersion into cultural space.

I sing. Often. Harmonics, polyphonics, overtones. Healing tunes. This is something that started for me at the beginning of this crazy covid year, in shamanic space in South Africa, after a traditional Amazonian pepper ceremony, for opening the voice. I had laughed and said ‘I don’t sing, my voice isn’t beautiful enough’. But. The universe had other plans, and gifted me a tune, and a way to sing it. In harmonics. So, I was singing to a nearly-dead turtle under a tree on the beach, watched by a few curious kids, a woman and the old songman : brother of old man emu, father’s side. ‘What are you singing?’ the woman asked. “I’m singing the turtle’s (miyapunu’s) soul back to the dreamtime, sending it love, and thanking it for giving its life up so that everyone can eat of its nourishing flesh”. She nodded. The old man watched. It was a special moment.

Later that week, I found myself again under a tree at the beach, this time scraping yellow dye off roots, a Yolngu cultural practice done in preparation for dying pandanus leaves for weaving. The usual for me, right? Indeed. Anyway, a boat turns up, with people on it. One of these people was a traditional owner of Bawaka outstation across the bay. You’ve heard of Bawaka, right? Yes you have, earlier in this piece, the place where that Bayini legend went down, long long time ago. “Hi”, he said, telling me his name. He was a strong cultural leader I’d heard of a few times before, and had hoped to meet for a while already. “My wife’s a weaver”, he said, and introduced me to her too. How lovely! I thought, as we smiled at each, shared some words other and exchanged good energy. I continued scraping dye, and I sang a little, like I had to the turtle, happy in my skin.

“Maybe later you can sing with me”, he said, as I got up to go back to camp. I realised that he was referring to playing clapsticks as I sang! Really? I’m just new at this singing thing and I noticed with that thought, a wave of shyness creep up on me. But… “I’d love to!” I replied.   

Later, we were all sitting under the tree again, taking shelter from the hot afternoon sun. Me, stripping pandanus fibre this time. The families, stretching out lazily in the heat, enjoying the day. I started singing out loud as I pulled the fibre gently apart, a meditation in motion, softly, gently, with deep focus. Huu, uuu huuu, uuu huuu, uuu huuu, huuu. The tunes emerged from my throat in flow, raw base tones merging together fluidly with their audible harmonic overtones. Just as I had been guided to do, since way back in South Africa, and every day since. Medicine songs, healing tunes. ‘Rainbow sound’, I call it, like singing between worlds; universes, planets – dimensions, even.

Bunggul started, I got up to leave. And this is where Bayini popped into the scene.

“I really loved your songs”, he said. “It’s like the sound is floating through my head like a dream… coming from nowhere, just singing in my head. I could sleep all day listening to that song!” “Well”… I said. “Before you go to sleep, I have a story for you. The kids here have been asking if I am Bayini”, and I unfurled my long hair out of its usual bun, to show the reason why. “But”, I told him, “I always say: ‘Yaka (no) – I’m not Bayini!’”

The rest of the family under the tree were now alert and listening to my story too. “I’m not Bayini – my skin name is Galikali – that means I’m Dhuwa moeity, and Bayini is Yirritja! I can’t be Bayini, because she’s my mum!!!” Now all the family nodded their heads in assent. “Yes, of course – Bayini is Yirritja, and you’re Dhuwa! Yo, yo. You’re right”. They were now all listening with interest. “But!” I added, “I say to the kids: When I die, my spirit is going to come back to this country and you will be able to see me sometimes, maybe if you’re lucky. I’m not like my mum, like Bayini. I’m not a cheeky or jealous one, I’m coming back and all you mob will know I’m here because you will hear me singing, singing, singing into the land, into your heads and into your hearts. Just like that song floating through your head like a dream, I will be heard. And… I’ll be singing songs of healing”.

Then I stopped. Took a breath, and considered my audacity in telling this story to the traditional owner of the land that forever holds the myth of Bayini, the white-skinned, long-haired woman. Not sure what to expect. He looked up at me as I was standing next to him sitting under the shade of that tree, and he opened his arms.“I really like your story. Come and give me a hug”…

“And maybe”, I winked as I walked off afterwards, “it’s not just a story”.

And there I am, the weaver soul walking through this body of René. Having the time of my life. Singing my song. My heart’s truth making pure expression into the cultural space, the mythical landscape, as I take part in this wondrous illusion. My imprint unfolding into, through and beyond the magnetic world of manifest reality, alongside other magnificent souls.

PS. I did get asked again, by another brother of old man emu, to sing with him as he played his clapsticks, but universe had other plans. I rest in the knowledge that these things take time to be in their best place, that a seed has been planted, that this story has not yet finished. The myth of Bayini’s daughter, Banumbirr* the morning star, has only just begun.

“The story of Barnumbirr (Morning Star), depicting the first death in the Dreamtime, is the beginning of Maḏayin, the cycle of life and death”.

And hear this:

My name: René means ‘reborn’, Bahloo means ‘dying’.

and…

*Banumbirr is my given culture name. For real.

OuterSkinReneBahlooDusk

Self-care, shadow and the ecstasy of radical aliveness.

I’d love to share a story with you – a personal story – about radical aliveness and things from the deep weave of my life.

Yes! Radical aliveness – I am profoundly drawn to growing into the practice of experiencing the joy of life – perceived, embraced and embodied in its fullness, in continuum. Now I’m not talking of everything being comfortable and cosy, but rather, being in the space of mind that no matter what’s going on, no matter the situation, I can access and remember the passion and joy of being alive to it, whatever it is. I mean, how amazing is it to be alive, to be manifest in this physical existence, this adventure with a human body attached?

Imagine consciously watching the adventure unfold in front of your very eyes, knowing that who you choose to be is reflected in every aspect of the unfolding of it! Ecstasy, right? And agony, too, I know, especially when I forget that I have the choice to perceive it in the light of my soul’s highest expression. I am the weaver of my life. Radical.

So, a month or so ago, I became alive to a shoulder that really hurt. Creaky body. Stiff neck and back. Whaaaat? My once perfectly healthy body, showing cracks? Unravelling?

An earnest question from a friend: Do you do any self-care? My response – cheekily tracing my fingers down my body, play-sensually, ‘yess’…

But. Nope. Not physical stuff anyway. Really, Rene? Okay, I guess it’s time to change that! That choice set off an adventure of getting to know myself even deeper. Everything is connected, right? The weave constantly confirms that for me, so… what shows in the body also is/was present in the mind, perhaps as a hidden stressor or long-held trauma, emotion or stuck belief. In my pain body, as Eckhardt might say. So, the adventure would also encompass delving into my shadow. The dark weave….!

Massage, acupuncture, homeopathy, and then… zenthai shiatsu at Woodford (folk festival). Well, that zenthai made me feel like all my joints had been ripped apart and put back together in a way that didn’t quite fit. Like I’d been dismembered. The numb, creaking stiffness had now moved into my entire upper body, not just my shoulder. What the? Maybe my weaving fibre was still too dry, and getting brittle.

A breathwork session brought up a manner of epigenetic awareness. I realised I was holding trauma patterns from my maternal grandmother’s genetic line, patterns deeply connected to my own shadowy pain stamped with the huge protective shield I had put up in order to make myself invisible as a sensual, sexual being. In order to feel alive. Did I really do that? Yes, and I did it well.

At Starlight festival in Byron Bay (where I facilitated a weaving circle), I invested in kinesiology, spinal alignment, journeying and energy healing sessions. Up popped a workshop titled ‘death and dismemberment’. Yes! Instantaneously I was drawn to this – death! (I remembered the beautiful journey with my father at his deathbed), and dismemberment – totally a reflection of the conversation I’d been having with the universe, right? The thought of travelling deep into the underworld to encounter my darkest shadow self excited me greatly!  I laughed – how much I love skulls and bones and and the beauty of dead things, how I love to hold space for the darkness in others… so surely I’d be fine down there, being dissected, ripped apart, holding space for my own soul. Because then, maybe, I’d encounter the cause of my pain.

And after dismemberment would be re-memberment. With an upgrade. With gifts to share. Reborn to die, to be reborn to die. That’s what my name means, did you know that? Rene – reborn. (Latin) Bahloo – to die. (indigenous Aus). Like the moon. One thing the workshop facilitator said, that struck me, was this: as a shamanic practitioner going into the underworld (and especially as a psychopomp), he needed to be really good at self care, as holding space for all the trauma and pain of other souls can exact a heavy energetic toll.

Self care. There it is again. Refuelling mind, body and spirit. Looks like universe is setting me on a path, and perhaps not just for self-revelation, but maybe I’m on a deeper mission. The incentive to develop more self care could be just the foundation leading to something more. Mmm, an undercover mission – so much so, I can’t see where I’m going yet. Haha. Just the way I like to travel. Into the unknown again, incognito. Weaving in the dark.

Paradoxically, I have also noticed another part of my shadow – a certain addiction to being seen. Ha! To be seen for my value, in order to feel alive. Haaaa! Oh Facebook, oh Messenger and Whatsapp friends, the dopamine hits you bring to me! Never mind the oxytocin from a virtual hug! Or a physical one, even better! Bliss! I guess the trick is to enjoy it rather than to need it. Like loving unconditionally.

Another breathwork session, this time led by a beautiful soul sister. This is what I learned – all that I already have in my bag is exactly what I need, in any given moment. So, what do I have in my bag? ME!!!!

And, Palo Santo oil, a tube of lip ice, car keys, two seeds, a piece of decoratively burned bushman bone, one lens from a pair of glasses, a nail file, an interdental brush. Each piece made perfect sense as a symbol of the weave of my life. The last object in my bag was a flick knife. So, during the breathing session, that knife made a journey with its sharpest edge, over the entirety of my body lying there (covered in palo santo oil), scraping, edging, cutting all the junk attached to me. And flicking it away. Over and over. My aching shoulder being the focal point of this mission, scraping off debris that doesn’t serve me, that doesn’t serve my body or my soul, scraping it away with tenderness, and firmness, and love. Oh, and – I also released my wounded arm to invite in an upgraded version. Under the watchful eye of the facilitator haha. When one fibre in the weave is compromised, introduce a new one!

Then, the most amazing thing. Universe showed me what it was like to be totally sensually embraced by the world. Stroked and cherished and touched, breathed in and loved up by the universe, full of the ecstasy of receiving and giving. Lying there on the floor in the hall, I received it all – energised as a sensual and sexual conscious being, not in hiding anymore! My fibre, supple and strong. The strands, woven tightly, connected.

Self care. Love. Look where the path of following this directive has brought me! Back to myself, to being radically alive in my skin, awake as a sensual being.

The weave comes full circle, as does this story. And it’s not done yet. Life continues … as cycles and circles unfurl, expand, overlap and intertwine. There are many more strands to this story, but these I have shared are enough to give it life, a woven tale of a moment of meaning. A story basket, woven with love.

You might read this and wonder if your presence (however briefly) as an unrevealed strand in this story has contributed to my healing and growth and my answer is YES! Absolutely, deeply, significantly and in shatteringly beautiful ways. You know who you are, even if you don’t think you know. And I thank you so deeply for the gift that you are to me. All of you. And all of your you’s. You make my basket whole.

And so the weave, and the story, continues to grow, and to be woven.

PS. If you wanted to know how my shoulder is feeling now…

Not gonna tell you. Until I’m looking at you.

https://www.eventbrite.com.au/o/rene-bahloo-10793355289

if you want to find me!

 

OuterSkinReneBahlooDusk