Edgewalker

Sometimes, on an outbreath, my soul gets scraped to the bone, my breast ripped open, emptied, and my skin hung up to dry in the cool moistness of the crisp dawn air. These times are painful, heart wrenching and yet strangely, poignantly beautiful as I stand face to face with what’s real: The unfolding creative moment of living and dying, quietly singing its part in the ever-evolving process of existence.

In these moments of utter non-breath, I see no choice but to give myself over completely, entirely, with every ounce of my being. All hopes and dreams, released. With no thought for what comes next as I relinquish attachment to everything I think I know. My hand loosens it’s grip and grasping becomes pointless.

Something extraordinary happens in this space of nothingness. A transformational  instant, moment, lifetime… a movement occurs. I feel the grace of a gentle wind breathing life into my being, with a force that is quietly inconspicuous, yet deeply intimate, singing my wholeness back to life. Like a lover, I am embraced, a fiercely loving mother –  delicious warmth spreading from the inside to the outer parts of me.

In that instant I feel the ecstasy of aliveness – held by paradox, in the sweetest magnificence of the unknown becoming known, and the known, unknown.

I am bathed in the radiance of Supreme Intelligence, breathing in tune with its own unfolding. And because this unfolding creative moment is also always within me, I become more radiant myself. Sharing my discoveries.

And so the outbreath becomes the inbreath.

This is what it is to be Edgewalker.

This is the moment I remember that I AM LOVE.

Such Silence by Mary Oliver

Such Silence by Mary Oliver

As deep as I ever went into the forest

I came upon an old stone bench, very, very old,

and around it a clearing, and beyond that

trees taller and older than I had ever seen.

Such silence.

It really wasn’t so far from a town, but it seemed

all the clocks in the world had stopped counting.

So it was hard to suppose the usual rules applied.

Sometimes there’s only a hint, a possibility.

What’s magical, sometimes, has deeper roots

than reason.

I hope everyone knows that.

I sat on the bench, waiting for something.

An angel, perhaps.

Or dancers with the legs of goats.

No, I didn’t see either. But only, I think, because

I didn’t stay long enough.

– Mary Oliver, “Such Silence,” from Blue Horses

A letter written but not sent.

For giving me the space to walk in my truth even though it’s not yours, and you likely don’t understand it. Thanks for dancing (energetically) with me in what I experienced as an exquisite encounter with my shadow and yours, or maybe I was dancing with mine through the mirror of yours. A dance of healing. I called you up on something risky and audacious, to an even deeper space of healing, which I respect that you are not in a place to step towards, and despite finding yourself feeling deeply uncomfortable with that, you chose to be kind and honourable with me, on all levels available to you. It must have been challenging for you. I know I don’t exactly walk a conventional path. I called to the universe for deeper connection to the experience of aliveness and that’s precisely what I got when you appeared, not just through sacred encounter (though I feel everything in life is sacred), but through you being real with your pain – including acting out on it – allowing me then to experience a part of my own depth in a way I never have before. I recognise that aliveness arises from loving myself, shadows and wounds and all, as I realise the endless beauty within, whether I am seen by others or not. You have been such a beautiful teacher to me. Magnificent, in fact. And to the eternal part of you from the eternal part of me, I say – I kept my promise. I see you. I am here. Perhaps we will dance again in another lifetime. And so the rainbow serpent farewells the lightning man, with deep love and gratitude.

The end.

Maybe.

A dream of birds…

Last nights dream: I only remember a bit of it. Birds. I am collecting bird wings. Some whole, some just collections of attached feathers. And live birds too. I

They all come in packaging, like new dolls, but I don’t realise this till later. Some of the birds fly away, and they take some of the wings with them, fly away with the wings in their beaks. I’m a bit perturbed, I don’t mind the birds flying away but – why take the wings? Somehow it feels that they were instrumental in collecting them in the first place. Then a wing drops in my lap. I look up, it’s from a bird I had collected, still in a box, like a doll maybe like a Bratz doll connected to the packaging with clear cable ties. It had really struggled to fly, as it was still in its box, especially to retrieve the wing for me. Personally. It did it out of love for me. I cut it loose from its box, amazed that it had achieved such a feat – it had feathers missing and was a bit bedraggled from the effort. For me. I was worried it would fly loose as it was a small bird and I knew that if it got loose, it would die out in the big wide world of predators. So I imagined how I could put a collar on it to keep it close to me so I could look after it. But then I thought – wouldn’t it choose to stay close without the need for a collar as it had enough agency to choose to get the wing back for me out of devotion, would it not choose to stay in my embrace? It was a little bird, maybe yellow, small red beak I think, plain, but I loved it so much – I hugged it and displayed such love for it. In recognition and reciprocation for its devotion to me.

My Bayini story

November 2020

Bayini. According to stories I have been told by Yolngu from North East Arnhem Land, Bayini is a Yirritja moiety spirit-being (some call her a ghost), who walks the landscape in and around Yalangbara, Port Bradshaw. Dhulmumiya (Spring Camp), is one of these places, its located across the bay from Yalangbara and Bawaka, near Dhanaya outstation.

Bayini has golden white skin, and has long, long hair, and a reputation for stealing the shiny metal jewellery of the living people she encounters. She is also known to be jealous of women and wants to steal the young men to take as husbands. Bayini is benevolent, however, as she looks after the land with deep love.

The story goes that she was a Macassan woman who got thrown overboard the ship she was on. Other stories, in anthropological accounts, speak of her as a light-skinned woman who arrived in Port Bradshaw by canoe and got marooned as her anchor got caught under a rock and claimed by the sand. I haven’t heard if or how she perished, but I can imagine, with all the crocodiles and sharks in the waters here, what might have happened. Or not.

Other tales in Arnhem Land speak of the Bayini (or Baijini) as a people, families of light-skinned seafarers that pre-date the Macassans. Some speak of them as whalers (totem hunters) and dugong fishermen and others suggest that they are also trepang catchers like the later Sulawesi-based Macassan fishermen (groups consisting mainly of men), or they could be families of sea-gypsies from China or Singapore. It is said that the Bayini people were of a different mindset to the trepang industry-based Macassan traders, much more inclusive and aligned with the cosmology and way of being of the Yolngu people, and danced alongside them on the beaches. Many Yolngu ceremonies included the stories of the Bayini, holding a deep message of what has been termed “Bayini for Bayini and Yolngu for Yolngu”. This symbolised a way of walking where the individual identity of each group was held intact but both existed in a space of mutuality. Dancing the story of the Bayini was seen a reminder of sovereignty, where the Yolgnu belong to the land – always have, and always will – and the story of the Bayini was imprinted by ceremony into the the living cultural landscape.

As a central mythical figure, or ancestor in this area, Bayini is symbolised by the anchor and chain – as you can see on the clan flags in my videos and pictures of the funeral space for Old Man Emu. The anchor and the chain is also very evident in some of the bunggul ceremonial dances and songs, or manikay, and I have been told they are related to “Bayini”, though I’m not quite sure exactly what they refer to; Bayini the woman, or Bayini the people.

At the funeral, the paternal grandsons slept in the bower shed with the body of old man emu, as it rested in the freezer box under his special yellow-and-blue-painted coffin. At night, they made sure that all crevices, like the horizontal space under the door after it had been shut, would be covered up, by pushing sand up against the door and sealing the opening. Why? you might ask. Well they were afraid that Bayini would come and get them at night. And steal their jewellery.

It has turned out that Bayini is a strong figure for me, as I engage wholeheartedly in the incredible experience of Yolngu culture. I guess I am a woman with golden white skin, and long, long hair, after all! So, it’s no surprise that I have a story with Bayini. Perhaps it’s part of why I am here, on this earth. I do have a very strong way of engaging with larger-than-life myths. So. Here’s my story, and I’m sure its only the beginning of a bigger story that will still reveal itself over time and immersion into cultural space.

I sing. Often. Harmonics, polyphonics, overtones. Healing tunes. This is something that started for me at the beginning of this crazy covid year, in shamanic space in South Africa, after a traditional Amazonian pepper ceremony, for opening the voice. I had laughed and said ‘I don’t sing, my voice isn’t beautiful enough’. But. The universe had other plans, and gifted me a tune, and a way to sing it. In harmonics. So, I was singing to a nearly-dead turtle under a tree on the beach, watched by a few curious kids, a woman and the old songman : brother of old man emu, father’s side. ‘What are you singing?’ the woman asked. “I’m singing the turtle’s (miyapunu’s) soul back to the dreamtime, sending it love, and thanking it for giving its life up so that everyone can eat of its nourishing flesh”. She nodded. The old man watched. It was a special moment.

Later that week, I found myself again under a tree at the beach, this time scraping yellow dye off roots, a Yolngu cultural practice done in preparation for dying pandanus leaves for weaving. The usual for me, right? Indeed. Anyway, a boat turns up, with people on it. One of these people was a traditional owner of Bawaka outstation across the bay. You’ve heard of Bawaka, right? Yes you have, earlier in this piece, the place where that Bayini legend went down, long long time ago. “Hi”, he said, telling me his name. He was a strong cultural leader I’d heard of a few times before, and had hoped to meet for a while already. “My wife’s a weaver”, he said, and introduced me to her too. How lovely! I thought, as we smiled at each, shared some words other and exchanged good energy. I continued scraping dye, and I sang a little, like I had to the turtle, happy in my skin.

“Maybe later you can sing with me”, he said, as I got up to go back to camp. I realised that he was referring to playing clapsticks as I sang! Really? I’m just new at this singing thing and I noticed with that thought, a wave of shyness creep up on me. But… “I’d love to!” I replied.   

Later, we were all sitting under the tree again, taking shelter from the hot afternoon sun. Me, stripping pandanus fibre this time. The families, stretching out lazily in the heat, enjoying the day. I started singing out loud as I pulled the fibre gently apart, a meditation in motion, softly, gently, with deep focus. Huu, uuu huuu, uuu huuu, uuu huuu, huuu. The tunes emerged from my throat in flow, raw base tones merging together fluidly with their audible harmonic overtones. Just as I had been guided to do, since way back in South Africa, and every day since. Medicine songs, healing tunes. ‘Rainbow sound’, I call it, like singing between worlds; universes, planets – dimensions, even.

Bunggul started, I got up to leave. And this is where Bayini popped into the scene.

“I really loved your songs”, he said. “It’s like the sound is floating through my head like a dream… coming from nowhere, just singing in my head. I could sleep all day listening to that song!” “Well”… I said. “Before you go to sleep, I have a story for you. The kids here have been asking if I am Bayini”, and I unfurled my long hair out of its usual bun, to show the reason why. “But”, I told him, “I always say: ‘Yaka (no) – I’m not Bayini!’”

The rest of the family under the tree were now alert and listening to my story too. “I’m not Bayini – my skin name is Galikali – that means I’m Dhuwa moeity, and Bayini is Yirritja! I can’t be Bayini, because she’s my mum!!!” Now all the family nodded their heads in assent. “Yes, of course – Bayini is Yirritja, and you’re Dhuwa! Yo, yo. You’re right”. They were now all listening with interest. “But!” I added, “I say to the kids: When I die, my spirit is going to come back to this country and you will be able to see me sometimes, maybe if you’re lucky. I’m not like my mum, like Bayini. I’m not a cheeky or jealous one, I’m coming back and all you mob will know I’m here because you will hear me singing, singing, singing into the land, into your heads and into your hearts. Just like that song floating through your head like a dream, I will be heard. And… I’ll be singing songs of healing”.

Then I stopped. Took a breath, and considered my audacity in telling this story to the traditional owner of the land that forever holds the myth of Bayini, the white-skinned, long-haired woman. Not sure what to expect. He looked up at me as I was standing next to him sitting under the shade of that tree, and he opened his arms.“I really like your story. Come and give me a hug”…

“And maybe”, I winked as I walked off afterwards, “it’s not just a story”.

And there I am, the weaver soul walking through this body of René. Having the time of my life. Singing my song. My heart’s truth making pure expression into the cultural space, the mythical landscape, as I take part in this wondrous illusion. My imprint unfolding into, through and beyond the magnetic world of manifest reality, alongside other magnificent souls.

PS. I did get asked again, by another brother of old man emu, to sing with him as he played his clapsticks, but universe had other plans. I rest in the knowledge that these things take time to be in their best place, that a seed has been planted, that this story has not yet finished. The myth of Bayini’s daughter, Banumbirr* the morning star, has only just begun.

“The story of Barnumbirr (Morning Star), depicting the first death in the Dreamtime, is the beginning of Maḏayin, the cycle of life and death”.

And hear this:

My name: René means ‘reborn’, Bahloo means ‘dying’.

and…

*Banumbirr is my given culture name. For real.